Anger

I have lots of anger issues...I think, at least.  Other people I say I'm pretty calm and when I do get angry, I let it out in healthy ways (like writing, playing music, tennis/soccer, etc.)

The thing is, I don't get angry easily, because I only get extremely angry whenever I talk to my parents.  It isn't the most healthiest family relationships of all time, and to be truthful, it's getting extremely tiring to the point where I want to give up.  It's extremely difficult.

In college, I still have problems with them where they want to constantly rule over my life with an iron fist.  That, or they would tell me face to face that they don't want me as a child.  They haven't supported me in anyway.  I'm paying my full college tuition out of my pocket, I've payed for everything here out of my own pocket, I am paying all my loans out of my pocket, I am living like I have no parents.  I feel unwanted.

Day after day, I constantly pray to God for this.  It's painful to think that my parents don't want me, and what's worse is that they say it to my face.  I constantly try to convince myself that it's just the anger talking, they don't really mean what they say.  My sisters don't get the same treatment I do, and it's just all hurtful.

I get bitter, I get angry, I'm a human being too.  I constantly pray to God for strength, for a better relationship with my parents, for God to let this anger go and have us reconcile. 

But my parents keep won't open their minds to him and this past week, my dad cut off all connection with me and prevented my family from contacting me as well.  Over a phone.

I'm getting upset.  I'm getting angry.  But I let it go and now all I am is just tired of this constant fighting over nothingness.

All I can do is pray, and truthfully, I just want a quick answer to this prayer, because it's hard to be patient with this situation any longer.  God, your child is giving you all her heart. 

Please give me strength.

Temptations

I realized, after my almost full month into college, that there are a lot of temptations in the world. 

But that should've been a given.  This is a sinful world, afterall. 

So, while I'm in my pre-lab lecture, not paying attention (tsk tsk, my attention span has been getting shorter and shorter), I've been wondering about all the temptations I've been faced with, denied and gave into, and how it affected me. 

In college, one of the many temptations that EVERYONE faces is the temptation to party, slack off, and do other...stuff (for lack of a better, more appropriate term). 

Have I faced these temptations?  Sure.  Did I give in to them?  Not really.  Hahaha, these are temptations that are easy to face, but then I'm not much of a dancer, so that fixes the party temptation...Slacking off, I can't really do because I need to fight for my scholarship to support my tuition next year, and other stuff.  Hm.  I don't think I'm ever going to have to worry about things like that.

But then there are other temptations.  This has been the first time in my life where I have been surrounded by so many non-Christians, and to be honest, it's very intimidating.  I have to fight for everything I do, and it's more awkward than not praying for every meal, but that part's been getting easier.  In order to learn more about the bible, I've even joined a writing class called "The Bible as Literature" only to learn that my classmates and professor are non-believers of Christ. 

Fighting for what I believe in has never been harder.  Facing temptations have never been more difficult and fighting them has just become something near impossible, yet with Him, the impossible is nothing.  I keep realizing everyday that the earth is a place where sin roams freely and the devil runs the corners, pulling in people with every decision they make, every action they perform. 

I don't wish to be pulled in, I want to fight it.  Over the last month during the summer, I felt lost and confused.  I felt like the darkness was pulling me in way too deeply, but then, I started to pray and read the bible.  Feeling threatened by others, hearing people put down the name of Christ has got me fired up.

But as passionate as I am, I still feel very lost. 

So daily, I pray.  God, please help me, give me the strength to stand to praise your name and spread your Word.  Your child cries out dearly for You, Your child asks for strength to not give into temptation.

Your child loves you deeply.

Worth...

Anger

Sometimes, I just feel so angry...And I guess this anger stems from the faults I see in myself.

"Why can't I do this?" "I could've done this better, so why didn't I?"  "Why do I keep feeling sorry for myself?  Just go ahead and do it and it'll save me a lot of pain!  Hana, you idiot!"

Yeah, sometimes I scare myself by talking to myself too.  >.>

But these were just some of the thoughts that were rolling around in my head.  As much as it would make me feel better, there is really no one else to blame but myself for just displaying acts of stupidity half the time.  Of course if I feel like I'm acting stupid, I'd get angry at myself.

No, Hana, really?

So here I am, sitting in front of the computer.  Again. 

I'm over the anger at myself.  I realize that I'm going to look stupid no matter what happens and that's just something I have to deal with, improve myself on, and just pray to God about.  But other than that, I get so angry at the fact that I can't help other people in the world who are just suffering through events they could have or even could not have controlled.

I'm upset at the fact that I couldn't help some of the people closest to me when they needed someone there the most.  But since there's no use crying over spilled milk, all I can do, all they can do, is pray.

Okay, Hana, so it's nice that you've come to this realization...But what triggered this?

Hmm...I guess it started with me writing a letter.

I haven't seen my uncle (who is just a few years older than me, by the way) in who knows how long.  I grew up with him around bullying me and my sisters, but hey, family love, no? 

Then, he didn't come to the Thanksgiving dinner our family always gathers for.  And then he didn't come for the Christmas or New Year's dinner either. 

My first reaction was, "What the heck, why aren't you here?  I see you like three times an year the most and you're missing all three times I get to see you?"  Of course, this wasn't said aloud.  But that's what I was thinking at the time.  Seriously, I love all my family members to death.  If I had a car of my own and my basic license, I'd be driving all over the country just to see them every week.

But that's not the case.

So, after moping around for a bit, I just went to visit his blog.  Whatever.  Just wanted to drop a comment and maybe show a little (annoyed) appreciation at the fact that he didn't show at all.  And that I missed him dearly.

Then, I realized that I wouldn't be seeing him for a while.  So I started to write a letter to him, since that's basically his only source of communication. 

This week, despite it being a break of school, was one of the most stressful of my life.  Yes, more so than the college application process.  Amazing, huh?

Either way...I guess, while writing to him this letter, my stress bubble popped.  I didn't even know why, but I just started to cry and cry and cry.  My sisters sure thought I was insane.

There was so much anguish I was feeling.  So much going through my mind with my family, with my uncle, with school, with life, with friends...It was something I could all handle, but I guess the weight of everything just became overwhelming and crushed me to the point where I could do nothing but cry and pray to God to ease my anxieties and continue to give me the strength I needed to just shove everything aside and continue. 

God answered me through the letter I was writing.

I always prayed to God and I really didn't feel the effects of the stress, although it was always nagging at me in the back of my head.  But it just came like a tsunami and I was drowning, crying.  I really don't know what triggered it, but God had His reasons.

My letter to my uncle was blunt.  It started blunt, and I've always been blunt with him because he doesn't understand if you're trying to be tact.  I started the letter with my feelings in turmoil.  I didn't now what to feel, except I knew that I was upset that I didn't see him at all.

But it wasn't his fault.

So I started the letter with, "Dear Uncle David (Uncle written in Korean), I haven't seen you in who knows how long.  I don't really care where you are or want to know how you got there, but the fact is that you're there."  And at this point, I just started to cry.

After maybe half an hour of just misery and praying to God, I really felt disappointed in myself.  I was stronger than that, and I was acting pretty stupid.  So I prayed to God again.  Asked Him for the strength that I needed, to overcome the pretty pathetic display I put on a few minutes before. 

He answered me through my letter (as I've stated before). 

As I started to write, all of a sudden, my hand had a mind of it's own.  I just started to write and write and pour out my feelings and I just started to write down bible verses for my uncle. 

The most intriguing one in particular being the one where God never lets His children go.  I really don't even remember the books that well, but my hand seemed to know what quotes I wanted to write and exactly what book, chapter, and verses they were.  I was pretty amazed at this point. 

Then my hand was done, and it was all me again.  I told my uncle to find a bible and just read and pray.  He claims to be a Christian, going to church earnestly, but he never really practiced it. 

I honestly don't know if he is saved or not.

But I told him to get his act straight.  Fix his life.  Start praying to God not for himself but for the people he's hurting, like his mother, his father, his uncle, my mother (his cousin).  Everyone. 

I signed the letter off with much love and then the feeling of anger came back again.  I was upset that I didn't know of this situation.  I was upset at him for making the friends he did, the choices he made that put him in that situation...

But then I realized, God really has a purpose for everyone. 

5 years ago, I really wouldn't have bothered to contact my uncle if he were in the same situation.  I'd probably be scorning him with the rest of the world.  I wouldn't have sought out God, probably because I didn't believe in Him back then. 

In just a span of 5 years, I'm already realizing what a huge 360 I've made in my life.

The people I haven't spoken to in the longest time are now some of my closest friends.  My aunts who have always loved me get to enjoy their niece finally appreciating their love.

And God has used me, I realized few days ago, to try and open the eyes of my uncle.  I don't know if he's saved or not, but he's probably condemning himself to the situation he's put himself in.  He's never had that much of a high self-esteem.  We have many similarities. 

We've never felt secure with our friends.

And all the anger I felt with myself just disappeared.  Jesus took our sins to the cross, and now He's taking all our worries.  Put everything unto Him and He will deal with everything for us.

Jesus took everything for us, then and now. 

So maybe God had a purpose for my uncle making the decisions he did.  Maybe that was the only way my uncle would've truly seen Jesus in the light.  Maybe it's God's way of allowing my uncle to connect with the world.  Maybe it's God's way of humbling my uncle.

Whatever it was, no longer was I anxious about the situation.  Sure, I'm worried for his health and all.

But God has a plan.  Jesus will take care of it.

And as His child, I can only sit, pray, and obey.

Insanity...

...what makes people lose their minds, I wonder?

I think I was really pushed to the edge today...There's just so many things to stress about and to worry about, and then whenever I read the bible, I always come upon a verse or two where I feel that God is speaking directly to me. 

Definite signs that He doesn't want me to live this kind of confusing, tormenting life I'm forcing myself to live.

Pressure just continues to add on and on and I feel like I'm just a ticking bomb...I don't know what is going to happen next and the only thing I could do right now is just pray to Him and just continue praying and praying....Leave everything up to Him, because He will carry them all.

Then, today at church...The situation of the severity of the selfishness that lives in us all hit me brutally.  Humans are selfish creatures by nature.  As soon as we are born, we yearn for food or crave for attention.  At the point, where we are helpless, we care about our needs and our needs only. 

When did we ever care about others unconditionally in our lives, like how Jesus loves us so much?

Jesus had His people scorn Him, spit at His face...Yet, He still sacrificed Himself for us, undeserving people.  His love was so unconditional, He was so merciful that He gave us another chance at eternal life. 

When have we ever praised Him when times were bad?  When have we ever praised Him when times were good?  More often than not, I hear people cursing His name whenever they're suffering.  Whenever these same individuals enjoy such a luxurious or privileged time, they don't thank God either.  They take everything for what it's worth and don't thank the great Father Almighty who gave it to them. 

He is just so amazing...And just so many things hitting me at once make me feel like I'm losing my sanity.  I don't know what to do half the time and the day just passes by with me in a blank.  I don't remember half of the things I do and what I do remember is just so stressful.  I don't think I'd be living through these recent days if it weren't for God's guidance.

I just don't know what to do anymore, except pray.  That's all I can do in this situation.

But, the bad thing is, I feel like I'm losing myself.  It's so cold outside and I feel so...

not empty inside, but so  hectic that I just can't help but feel cold.  My mind is numb to so many things except when I speak to God.  Half the time, I don't even know where or how I get to places and I just thank God that I managed to arrive in one piece and safetly. 

From this point on...What do I do, Lord?  What do I do? 

I hate this feeling of confusion.  I hate feeling lost.  I don't like this feeling of uncertainty.

I feel like I don't know who I am anymore and at the same time, I'm losing my mind.